Friday was a good day for me. It was a nice day out and I spontaneously saw an old friend while out for happy hour with a potential new buddy. We all lined the bar of one of my favorite indian restaurants and had some very interesting conversations. My old friend brought a brother of his and also brought his girlfriend. I was meeting a young lady I met weeks prior at the same location. So we all had a great time talking, eating, drinking.
The feeling of attentiveness and humor drowned me in a sea of affection on Friday. Even the bartendar was nice and cordial, also flirty with my female friend..so that helped for better/faster service and free glasses of wine :)
I had such a great time, I allowed my friends to talk me into going dancing right next door for an hour with them. SUCH a great time..made me forget about a lot of the issues I'm facing and also helped me re-connect old pals. Still, not much about my situation. I feel so ashamed and so embarassed..
Sunday, May 24, 2009
bad day...
Today wasn't a good day. The holidays always seem to take my friends away from me and remind me of the simple family love/life that i don't have. I do much better on regular days...i really dislike holidays.
I tried to pre occupy myself today. Reading at the bookstore, window shopping at the mall..went and got ice cream at maggie moo's but found hair in it so my appetite for that was ruined!
In the end, I was forced to see the truth. That truth is that I am the only one here for me.
This is such a hard "truth" to swallow...
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I'll be grateful to have the chance to make it better I suppose.
I tried to pre occupy myself today. Reading at the bookstore, window shopping at the mall..went and got ice cream at maggie moo's but found hair in it so my appetite for that was ruined!
In the end, I was forced to see the truth. That truth is that I am the only one here for me.
This is such a hard "truth" to swallow...
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I'll be grateful to have the chance to make it better I suppose.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
a little relief
This is going to be a quick blog entry because i have to get up very early for appointments.
This has been an interesting week. I have received an out pouring of support from Headquarters Marine Corp and also the family advocacy ladies. My stbx's command seems to be extremely unhappy with me but I didn't bring this on them, they brought it on themselves and so did my husband. I am very grateful to finally get some insight into this whole situation and begin moving towards a solution. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted and unfortunately the situation has just begun. I'm a bit jumpy and anxious as I know my husband must be upset by this news of investigations being launched on him. I am worried about if he knows my location or not. I have tried so many things to de-stress. Accepting invitations with friends out for dinner/drinks on them (because im so broke) yoga and doing much reading. So far, so good..I will continue to pray for a happy outcome for myself and for my stbx's mental state. I feel so much pity for him but have to look out for myself. I wish he had done the right thing.
This has been an interesting week. I have received an out pouring of support from Headquarters Marine Corp and also the family advocacy ladies. My stbx's command seems to be extremely unhappy with me but I didn't bring this on them, they brought it on themselves and so did my husband. I am very grateful to finally get some insight into this whole situation and begin moving towards a solution. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted and unfortunately the situation has just begun. I'm a bit jumpy and anxious as I know my husband must be upset by this news of investigations being launched on him. I am worried about if he knows my location or not. I have tried so many things to de-stress. Accepting invitations with friends out for dinner/drinks on them (because im so broke) yoga and doing much reading. So far, so good..I will continue to pray for a happy outcome for myself and for my stbx's mental state. I feel so much pity for him but have to look out for myself. I wish he had done the right thing.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Update
Well, Found out my stbx sold my vehicle to carmax, lol. And now because it is reported stolen carmax can't sell it to anyone else and the DMV put a stop on the vehicle. My husband's command finally gave me some information after having their "hands tied behind their backs" two weeks and for assisting in creating such a mess that could have been avoided 9 months ago.
They told me he sold the vehicle. Fine, now carmax has to deal with him. He planned a pretty interesting scam thats for sure. No one in their rational right mind would attempt to pull off the mess he has attempted to pull off for nearly a year. You have to have some serious disdain for someone to try and keep them from making a living on purpose and continuing to attempt to take from them. Not to mention, he never got back to my legal aid attorney about divorce and signing property settlement agreements! There is no telling how long this man had been planning this. Now karma has hit him in the ass, hopefully he didn't spend any of the money carmax gave him, lol! I don't understand why carmax didn't do a VIN check on the vehicle in the first place. I reported it stolen as soon as i found out...carmax SAYS my husband sold it to them May 4th, thats when i reported it stolen. That can't be true because i called the bank and inquired about any towings or back payments? Nothing paid off and they even gave me the pay off amount. This whole situation is a total mess, stemming from one greedy manipulator that has to have his way. As if we are living in the United States of HIM. Priceless. I'm sure he's fuming right about now..His command SAYS they have given him a DIRECT order to stay away from me. Not so sure if i believe anything they say as it seems they have aided him in his malice towards me.
I will keep checking in.
They told me he sold the vehicle. Fine, now carmax has to deal with him. He planned a pretty interesting scam thats for sure. No one in their rational right mind would attempt to pull off the mess he has attempted to pull off for nearly a year. You have to have some serious disdain for someone to try and keep them from making a living on purpose and continuing to attempt to take from them. Not to mention, he never got back to my legal aid attorney about divorce and signing property settlement agreements! There is no telling how long this man had been planning this. Now karma has hit him in the ass, hopefully he didn't spend any of the money carmax gave him, lol! I don't understand why carmax didn't do a VIN check on the vehicle in the first place. I reported it stolen as soon as i found out...carmax SAYS my husband sold it to them May 4th, thats when i reported it stolen. That can't be true because i called the bank and inquired about any towings or back payments? Nothing paid off and they even gave me the pay off amount. This whole situation is a total mess, stemming from one greedy manipulator that has to have his way. As if we are living in the United States of HIM. Priceless. I'm sure he's fuming right about now..His command SAYS they have given him a DIRECT order to stay away from me. Not so sure if i believe anything they say as it seems they have aided him in his malice towards me.
I will keep checking in.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Introduction...
I am starting this blog for several reasons. One is to empower myself and other wives/women in similar situations -- but most importantly, to draw more attention to the affects of PTSD and the lack of assistance many servicemen/women & their families get during the suffering periods.
If you would have asked me 3 years ago about my nearly 9 year marriage to a Marine. I would have smiled from ear to ear, and with pride, protested my love and admiration for the man i once knew. If you would have TOLD me that 3 years from now, I would be sitting here with extreme anxiety and fear of my husband, I would have told you to control your compulsive lies. Moreso, I probably would have thought YOU were just envious of how close we were.
Like any married couple, especially one married for 9 years, we have been through a lot. We started off very early, very fresh to love and most certainly marriage. He was 19, and I was 18, neither of us knew anything about marriage but one thing was for sure we knew we would be together for a very long time. A cousin of mine served in the Marine corp from 1998 - 2001 or 2002. He and my husband were good friends. Let me preface by saying that I grew up with an abusive mother and never knew my father. I put MYSELF through school and took care of my younger sister. At age 13, my sister and I were separated from one another when tipsters made a phone call to the state about how we were being abused. I was never so happy to leave my mother's care, yet I was saddened and still saddened that my sister and I had to go to separate households. I've always been sort of the protector type, I have been through a lot in life so I always seem to know how to make a way. When i was put in my foster home, I worked very hard to graduate school early, which i did at 17, make good grades, stay out of trouble, and my husband was literally my first real boyfriend. I was a teacher's "favorite" and I took up for those being bullied, even though I was bullied myself sometime for being so tiny..even now at 27, I am just 5'5, 102lbs.
I've always been the one to fight for what's right and just, which is why law and politics caught my attention, even at a young age. At 17, I was voted best attorney in the state of Tennessee for mock trial sessions by a panel of four highly respected judges. Ask me to this day how I made it through childhood abuse, neglect, practically no schooling and growing up so fast and I will tell you the GRACE of God. Thank God my foster parent was heavily into the church. I was involved in the choir (although i can't sing a lick, my sister is the singer), I was involved in youth harmony, this was a group I started for the young people in the church to be able to better communicate with the adults about life issues and it's relation to the word. I was proud of the fact that i went years without one day of silent prayer to God..lol. My husband was very big into the church also. In fact, I think our experiences and past is what initially attracted us to one another. His mother was also a drug abuser, though he says she wasn't physically abusive, she was never there. Fortunately for him, he had a group of people to support him. His grandmother, whom he used to be very close to is someone he used to be able to always trust. He loved her with everything in him. She showed him spirituality and that even if his mother wasn't there, God was always there. I would have done anything to have some kind of support like that, unfortunately I had to be that support for my younger sibling. I always had to be strong for her, which is perhaps why I seem to always take that roll even now with people, even strangers i rarely know. I HATE to see people hurt and be taken advantage of, or left out.
My mom slapped me around a lot. Called me every name in the book..ugly, whore, bitch, stupid, worthless, wish I had an abortion. At 9 years old, hearing that you know it's bad but once you're older and those words are still stuck in your memory bank, you realize how ugly this person must have been on the inside to actually utter that to her child. My mom stayed out weeks at a time without phoning, dropping food off for my younger sister and I. I was always pretty clever, so I'd write her letters, asking her that before she went out for the week to (at least) have us food in the fridge. I think the letters hurt her more than they helped because being an addict, i don't believe she sat out and planned to harm us. Many times of course, we had no lights, no hot water, no heat. That was torture in the winter time..i missed so much school because my sister was so young, that i had to take care of her. I will never forget this day, i was about 10 years old, my sister about 3 or 4 years old. I was very ill, cold/flu, as a child i couldn't pin point it but i know i could even barely walk. My mother wasn't home, of course, out partying/drinking/drugs. My sister and i laying in bed, she's looking up at the ceiling laying next to me, one hand rubbing my face..the other sucking her thumb. I hear her stomach growl so loud and I ask her if she was hungry...........she looks at me, and she says...no. I knew she wasn't being honest, she just knew i was too sick to actually go out and beg some neighbors for food. She also knew that if i had called anyone, like my grandmother for food..i'd get a beating from my mother when she got back. My mother was such a secretive person about her abuse and her lifestyle. She knew how to put up acts very nicely. Which is probably why i really dislike people who do that to this day. I can not be around someone that "pretends" it makes me not trust them.
Anyway, at that moment i saw my sisters face and it reminded me of my face when i began to understand things. At 3/4 years old, how do you KNOW when to look out for others? My sister and I were all we had, we went through abuse together. I heard her screams, she heard mine. We both weeped for one another and consoled one another afterwards. How someone's own mother could do those atrotrious things is still beyond me. She was always a "good mom" off drugs though, which was rare. I don't have many positive memories of her at all. There was a hole for a long time in my life, that is until I met my husband. We both filled one another up for a long time. I had a full grant to the U of M and wanted so badly to attend law school. But when i met my husband, he told me about his past and told me he needed me and wanted to marry me. I had never had anyone with so much sincerity. And thats exactly what i did..i got on a greyhound bus after months of knowing him through a quick visit to VA, and I married him. We moved in with my cousin for a few months and I still remember when we moved into our first quarters home on post, lol. I thought it was a mansion, lol coming from poverty especially.
We were SO happy, lol. My husband and I came from traditional families, so we agreed on those roles. There I learned i wasn't that good of a cook. My first attempt at a big dinner, I nearly burned a pretty good pot by leaving the water on way too long with eggs in it. My husband was definitely a cook better than I was by any measure. His grandmother taught him how to cook. He used to cook the best Thanksgiving meals for us. I'd do the desserts because, im actually pretty good at the sweet stuff ironically. We didn't have much, but we were so happy to have what we had. Our furniture was from the base yard sale, we got first pick since we were lowest rank, lol i'd never been just given anything like that and saw others smile about it. I think the others wives were just so giddy that i was giddy(southern word) about everything. We were lucky, that time there was some nice stuff out, too! He came home from work and the whole house was practically furnished, lol He was shocked and pleased. The FIRST thing i went for was this HUUUUUGE entertainment set! Now i know a few people weren't so happy about that cause their husbands would've probably loved it for themselves. We learned about credit, finances, saving, etc., etc through trial and error...many errors, lol. The first car we got, was in my name because my credit at the time was better than my husband's..so MOSTLY EVERYTHING was in my name, lol. My husband hadn't even had a drivers license during that time.
I drove him back and forth to work every single day, lol. I remember he told me one of the guys said.."yep, let's see how long that lasts" My husband kept failing the driving test, but i would always tell him..don't worry about it, you'll get it next time. He sure did too, the next time after his 7th try, lol. We shared one car, I didn't do much off post, everything was so new to me. Coming directly for a very small portion of a small city. So young, I didn't know much, neither did he i dont believe. I think he got some guidance from a paster at his former church every so often. He was always such an upstanding person then. Military pay didn't cover much, we struggled A LOT but we never asked anyone for anything. Heck, who could we ask? We practically had no family, lol. As time went on, regular marital issues arised..Him flirting with other women, financial issues, my "nagging" and withdrawing from him. Then came the deployments...I think that began the issues and from there..downhill. Him not wanting me to go overseas with him was a blow. He said it was for my well being and i believed him. He always was a quiet, kinda withdrawn person. I remember once I got so mad at him, that i threatened to leave and go back to Tennessee. I went into the room to talk to him and saw his face completely swollen from medication he took. Several pills, and said he wanted to die. I reached for the phone to call my cousin (who was in the Marines) for help and he, and my husband kept saying please no. I never knew WHY i couldn't call for help if he was suffering or had taken pills but at the present state right now...i see why.
Fast forward to Iraq tour...while over in Iraq, my husband admitted to me that he was still in contact with a previous woman he had dated when he was in the states. This really infuriated me so much, but when i returned..i went back to him. THATS when things changed...for the WORSE. Not just regular marital issues like infidelity and phibbing. But pure lying, withdrawing, choking, deep depression, lost of hygiene, so many things. His grandmother, whom he was very close to..got very ill. He didn't even CARE to go see her, i found this as so odd. He totally withdrew from me, his friends and his family. Began smoking several packs of cigarettes a day. His back would go out occassionally and he would need me to bathe him and get him out of his recruiting clothing. I cooked, cleaned, maintained finances that were extremely hard to do because of his nonchalant spending. I also began photography years before, so i started up a small freelance in the location we were in. Definitely brought in the small extra cash we needed to balance out our expenses.
Still, more withdrawal, I mean we would go weeks without saying a word to one another. I'd try to speak with him and he'd just be...there. Like a robot, he said he was tired of recruiting, that he never got a break. Came back from Iraq and then to recruiting. He said he never got a chance to re-adjust. He would be at work literally from 6am til 10pm, sometimes pass that, and when he was there, he was angry, mean, cold and short. We'd only communicate through email and text messages. I made the couch my permanent place to sleep since he would shake, convulse and attack in his sleep. I was always on the look out for him..even when i slept on the living room couch..i always felt "weird" around this "new" person. I felt so much anger from this person, the energy was so negative and cold. On Sept 20th, the day after my birthday and havent hearing from this person in weeks, only the few emails of "i am sorry,i will be home tomorrow" over and over...it all finally hit the fan. He came to our apartment, upset, angry, crying..I have NEVER seen my husband cry. He said that he didn't wanna live anymore, that he felt as though his command were "plotting" to get him sent back to Iraq. He also thought that i was plotting against him as well. After several frantic calls to him and command, he told me that if i contact his command again i would be the one who ends up dead. Not only that, but he took my vehicle (we have two, both marital vehicles) and he hid it for some reason. I didn't understand it. He started speaking about a divorce that night and i was just so shocked. Still shocked as this all just happened about 9, 10 months ago and i have been battling for support from him for so long and trying to stay afloat that i haven't even had time or energy to deal with my emotions yet. Right now, I am in survival mode, which he has made impossible for me, along with his command turning a blind eye, not only to his illness but to her behavior towards me.
No amount of emailing, begging or pleading got my husband's command to take a look at his mental health or his behavior. No amount of Chaplain calls, Legal aid attorney calls..nothing. Matter of factly, there were several orders "said" to have been put in place from my husband's command that were absolutely never produced. One being a military protective order, for the threat to kill me. Never produced and later said it had been dropped...later as in just a WEEK ago saying it was dropped...God only knows when it was dropped even if it were ever in place. I do think my husband is sick, I KNOW my husband is sick. His family knows it, those that have known him and actually CARE about him, know it. Do i really believe he would hurt me? Absolutely. The man that wouldn't harm me left my husband's body years ago. Now this intruder has arrived, and this intruder cares about no one but himself.
So far, my husband has found my location and once again taken my transporation, or so I and the police highly suspect its him. Until i know for sure, I have no proof for a civilian protective order since those in my husband's command found it rightful to eliminate theirs and especially without telling me. I haven't even spoken on the hoarding of ALL funds, including Family/Married issued Base housing allowance. I tried to get an order of support set through an attorney and "mistakingly" it was signed by the wrong rank and a month after it was put it, was later thrown out. This was back in Feb! Since then, my husband's command have refused to re-enforce the correct support order. Just refused to. He received no NJP for evading his responsibilities and not only did i get cold shoulders from some in is command but there were a whole rack of mistruths and "whoopsies" running around that hindered me from getting any assistance. A bunch of gossip, i would've never thought grown adult decorated men would go off gossip in a situation as important as a military wives well being. I have a novel worth of emails between my husband and his command with me begging for support. He was never brought up for his evading responsibilities. He was transferred for whatever reason from recruiting duty out of Fredrick, MD to (who knows because they will not tell his legal wife)...I got word that he is a deploying unit to Afghanistan. No one seems to know where he is now, as he is on leave...the same source that told me his potential deployment unit, from CA to possibly Afghan also told me he was still living only miles from my new location that was undisclosed -- so i have no idea how i could have been located or even WHY.
I have tried everything. From having others contact him, me contacting him, contacting his command..he has fallen off their radar, though i am not believing that. They will not issue another military protective order and have even went out of the way to email me intially a huge (professional responding rant) --that would have put me in my (place) and to basically leave them alone...based solely off "misinformation" and/or lies from my husband.
As if how DARE i care about my life, how DARE i ask them any information regarding my husband although things were never communicated to me beforehand. How DARE i want to have the resources to buy food, clothing, shelter..how DARE you? You know what you should do? Go away. And if that means your husband making you go away by any means necessary then..nope..no protective order, Sgt. Mcdaniel Go ahead and do what you want. You have gotten away with so much so far, you're still a Sgt, no punishment anywhere..you are above the law in the eyes of this command/unit. I never understand why they just didn't email me and tell me to buy a target sheet and put it on my forehead. Because that is what them cancelling the protective order and allowing him to disable my mobility during this time and KNOW my every step means to me. A sitting duck..sit and wait for your headline story Mrs Mcdaniel. If you haven't gotten by now that we have better things to do like, eat lunch and clip our toe nails, then you're the dummy not us. Matter of factly, we're going to ignore the Chaplain, spread to him "misinformation" as if we were THERE while drawing our emotions/decisions off this misinformation, Mrs. Mcdaniel. This is how we operate...this is who we are, this is what we stand for. Oh and tell your attorney to go to hell...oh by the way, Mrs. Mcdaniel. Did you care to go to JAG? Well why not??? Oh because your husband secured two different attorneys at two different locations to bar you out and make it harder for you?
I'm going off topic now, its 3:29am and im trying to stay awake until the sun comes up. I feel safer that way..don't know why.
More later..
Also -- I will be setting up a support website called "MyOpenLetters.com" domain donation courtesy of some concerned supporters. On this website, I will have where everyone can share their experiences and state their cases. I will send this blog, along with photos that i am posting from this blog about my stint in the homeless shelter, and my current condition. I only have 36 rolls on this disposable camera so don't expect too many. I didn't proofread this as of yet, so i apologize for the many mis spelled words. Thank you for reading.
Please note that if anything happens to me, the one(s) responsible have already been listed in this message.
Media contacts: I am open to ANY interviews with any media outlet regarding my husband's condition and my treatment during entire situation. I will gladly provide any assistance on stories, interviews or even if you need help with women's right research or PTSD research.
I am also very open to assisting and/or joining any support groups or networks dealing with PTSD, Military wife support groups or battered women support groups. Please do not hesitate to email me: s.myopenletters@gmail.com
If you would have asked me 3 years ago about my nearly 9 year marriage to a Marine. I would have smiled from ear to ear, and with pride, protested my love and admiration for the man i once knew. If you would have TOLD me that 3 years from now, I would be sitting here with extreme anxiety and fear of my husband, I would have told you to control your compulsive lies. Moreso, I probably would have thought YOU were just envious of how close we were.
Like any married couple, especially one married for 9 years, we have been through a lot. We started off very early, very fresh to love and most certainly marriage. He was 19, and I was 18, neither of us knew anything about marriage but one thing was for sure we knew we would be together for a very long time. A cousin of mine served in the Marine corp from 1998 - 2001 or 2002. He and my husband were good friends. Let me preface by saying that I grew up with an abusive mother and never knew my father. I put MYSELF through school and took care of my younger sister. At age 13, my sister and I were separated from one another when tipsters made a phone call to the state about how we were being abused. I was never so happy to leave my mother's care, yet I was saddened and still saddened that my sister and I had to go to separate households. I've always been sort of the protector type, I have been through a lot in life so I always seem to know how to make a way. When i was put in my foster home, I worked very hard to graduate school early, which i did at 17, make good grades, stay out of trouble, and my husband was literally my first real boyfriend. I was a teacher's "favorite" and I took up for those being bullied, even though I was bullied myself sometime for being so tiny..even now at 27, I am just 5'5, 102lbs.
I've always been the one to fight for what's right and just, which is why law and politics caught my attention, even at a young age. At 17, I was voted best attorney in the state of Tennessee for mock trial sessions by a panel of four highly respected judges. Ask me to this day how I made it through childhood abuse, neglect, practically no schooling and growing up so fast and I will tell you the GRACE of God. Thank God my foster parent was heavily into the church. I was involved in the choir (although i can't sing a lick, my sister is the singer), I was involved in youth harmony, this was a group I started for the young people in the church to be able to better communicate with the adults about life issues and it's relation to the word. I was proud of the fact that i went years without one day of silent prayer to God..lol. My husband was very big into the church also. In fact, I think our experiences and past is what initially attracted us to one another. His mother was also a drug abuser, though he says she wasn't physically abusive, she was never there. Fortunately for him, he had a group of people to support him. His grandmother, whom he used to be very close to is someone he used to be able to always trust. He loved her with everything in him. She showed him spirituality and that even if his mother wasn't there, God was always there. I would have done anything to have some kind of support like that, unfortunately I had to be that support for my younger sibling. I always had to be strong for her, which is perhaps why I seem to always take that roll even now with people, even strangers i rarely know. I HATE to see people hurt and be taken advantage of, or left out.
My mom slapped me around a lot. Called me every name in the book..ugly, whore, bitch, stupid, worthless, wish I had an abortion. At 9 years old, hearing that you know it's bad but once you're older and those words are still stuck in your memory bank, you realize how ugly this person must have been on the inside to actually utter that to her child. My mom stayed out weeks at a time without phoning, dropping food off for my younger sister and I. I was always pretty clever, so I'd write her letters, asking her that before she went out for the week to (at least) have us food in the fridge. I think the letters hurt her more than they helped because being an addict, i don't believe she sat out and planned to harm us. Many times of course, we had no lights, no hot water, no heat. That was torture in the winter time..i missed so much school because my sister was so young, that i had to take care of her. I will never forget this day, i was about 10 years old, my sister about 3 or 4 years old. I was very ill, cold/flu, as a child i couldn't pin point it but i know i could even barely walk. My mother wasn't home, of course, out partying/drinking/drugs. My sister and i laying in bed, she's looking up at the ceiling laying next to me, one hand rubbing my face..the other sucking her thumb. I hear her stomach growl so loud and I ask her if she was hungry...........she looks at me, and she says...no. I knew she wasn't being honest, she just knew i was too sick to actually go out and beg some neighbors for food. She also knew that if i had called anyone, like my grandmother for food..i'd get a beating from my mother when she got back. My mother was such a secretive person about her abuse and her lifestyle. She knew how to put up acts very nicely. Which is probably why i really dislike people who do that to this day. I can not be around someone that "pretends" it makes me not trust them.
Anyway, at that moment i saw my sisters face and it reminded me of my face when i began to understand things. At 3/4 years old, how do you KNOW when to look out for others? My sister and I were all we had, we went through abuse together. I heard her screams, she heard mine. We both weeped for one another and consoled one another afterwards. How someone's own mother could do those atrotrious things is still beyond me. She was always a "good mom" off drugs though, which was rare. I don't have many positive memories of her at all. There was a hole for a long time in my life, that is until I met my husband. We both filled one another up for a long time. I had a full grant to the U of M and wanted so badly to attend law school. But when i met my husband, he told me about his past and told me he needed me and wanted to marry me. I had never had anyone with so much sincerity. And thats exactly what i did..i got on a greyhound bus after months of knowing him through a quick visit to VA, and I married him. We moved in with my cousin for a few months and I still remember when we moved into our first quarters home on post, lol. I thought it was a mansion, lol coming from poverty especially.
We were SO happy, lol. My husband and I came from traditional families, so we agreed on those roles. There I learned i wasn't that good of a cook. My first attempt at a big dinner, I nearly burned a pretty good pot by leaving the water on way too long with eggs in it. My husband was definitely a cook better than I was by any measure. His grandmother taught him how to cook. He used to cook the best Thanksgiving meals for us. I'd do the desserts because, im actually pretty good at the sweet stuff ironically. We didn't have much, but we were so happy to have what we had. Our furniture was from the base yard sale, we got first pick since we were lowest rank, lol i'd never been just given anything like that and saw others smile about it. I think the others wives were just so giddy that i was giddy(southern word) about everything. We were lucky, that time there was some nice stuff out, too! He came home from work and the whole house was practically furnished, lol He was shocked and pleased. The FIRST thing i went for was this HUUUUUGE entertainment set! Now i know a few people weren't so happy about that cause their husbands would've probably loved it for themselves. We learned about credit, finances, saving, etc., etc through trial and error...many errors, lol. The first car we got, was in my name because my credit at the time was better than my husband's..so MOSTLY EVERYTHING was in my name, lol. My husband hadn't even had a drivers license during that time.
I drove him back and forth to work every single day, lol. I remember he told me one of the guys said.."yep, let's see how long that lasts" My husband kept failing the driving test, but i would always tell him..don't worry about it, you'll get it next time. He sure did too, the next time after his 7th try, lol. We shared one car, I didn't do much off post, everything was so new to me. Coming directly for a very small portion of a small city. So young, I didn't know much, neither did he i dont believe. I think he got some guidance from a paster at his former church every so often. He was always such an upstanding person then. Military pay didn't cover much, we struggled A LOT but we never asked anyone for anything. Heck, who could we ask? We practically had no family, lol. As time went on, regular marital issues arised..Him flirting with other women, financial issues, my "nagging" and withdrawing from him. Then came the deployments...I think that began the issues and from there..downhill. Him not wanting me to go overseas with him was a blow. He said it was for my well being and i believed him. He always was a quiet, kinda withdrawn person. I remember once I got so mad at him, that i threatened to leave and go back to Tennessee. I went into the room to talk to him and saw his face completely swollen from medication he took. Several pills, and said he wanted to die. I reached for the phone to call my cousin (who was in the Marines) for help and he, and my husband kept saying please no. I never knew WHY i couldn't call for help if he was suffering or had taken pills but at the present state right now...i see why.
Fast forward to Iraq tour...while over in Iraq, my husband admitted to me that he was still in contact with a previous woman he had dated when he was in the states. This really infuriated me so much, but when i returned..i went back to him. THATS when things changed...for the WORSE. Not just regular marital issues like infidelity and phibbing. But pure lying, withdrawing, choking, deep depression, lost of hygiene, so many things. His grandmother, whom he was very close to..got very ill. He didn't even CARE to go see her, i found this as so odd. He totally withdrew from me, his friends and his family. Began smoking several packs of cigarettes a day. His back would go out occassionally and he would need me to bathe him and get him out of his recruiting clothing. I cooked, cleaned, maintained finances that were extremely hard to do because of his nonchalant spending. I also began photography years before, so i started up a small freelance in the location we were in. Definitely brought in the small extra cash we needed to balance out our expenses.
Still, more withdrawal, I mean we would go weeks without saying a word to one another. I'd try to speak with him and he'd just be...there. Like a robot, he said he was tired of recruiting, that he never got a break. Came back from Iraq and then to recruiting. He said he never got a chance to re-adjust. He would be at work literally from 6am til 10pm, sometimes pass that, and when he was there, he was angry, mean, cold and short. We'd only communicate through email and text messages. I made the couch my permanent place to sleep since he would shake, convulse and attack in his sleep. I was always on the look out for him..even when i slept on the living room couch..i always felt "weird" around this "new" person. I felt so much anger from this person, the energy was so negative and cold. On Sept 20th, the day after my birthday and havent hearing from this person in weeks, only the few emails of "i am sorry,i will be home tomorrow" over and over...it all finally hit the fan. He came to our apartment, upset, angry, crying..I have NEVER seen my husband cry. He said that he didn't wanna live anymore, that he felt as though his command were "plotting" to get him sent back to Iraq. He also thought that i was plotting against him as well. After several frantic calls to him and command, he told me that if i contact his command again i would be the one who ends up dead. Not only that, but he took my vehicle (we have two, both marital vehicles) and he hid it for some reason. I didn't understand it. He started speaking about a divorce that night and i was just so shocked. Still shocked as this all just happened about 9, 10 months ago and i have been battling for support from him for so long and trying to stay afloat that i haven't even had time or energy to deal with my emotions yet. Right now, I am in survival mode, which he has made impossible for me, along with his command turning a blind eye, not only to his illness but to her behavior towards me.
No amount of emailing, begging or pleading got my husband's command to take a look at his mental health or his behavior. No amount of Chaplain calls, Legal aid attorney calls..nothing. Matter of factly, there were several orders "said" to have been put in place from my husband's command that were absolutely never produced. One being a military protective order, for the threat to kill me. Never produced and later said it had been dropped...later as in just a WEEK ago saying it was dropped...God only knows when it was dropped even if it were ever in place. I do think my husband is sick, I KNOW my husband is sick. His family knows it, those that have known him and actually CARE about him, know it. Do i really believe he would hurt me? Absolutely. The man that wouldn't harm me left my husband's body years ago. Now this intruder has arrived, and this intruder cares about no one but himself.
So far, my husband has found my location and once again taken my transporation, or so I and the police highly suspect its him. Until i know for sure, I have no proof for a civilian protective order since those in my husband's command found it rightful to eliminate theirs and especially without telling me. I haven't even spoken on the hoarding of ALL funds, including Family/Married issued Base housing allowance. I tried to get an order of support set through an attorney and "mistakingly" it was signed by the wrong rank and a month after it was put it, was later thrown out. This was back in Feb! Since then, my husband's command have refused to re-enforce the correct support order. Just refused to. He received no NJP for evading his responsibilities and not only did i get cold shoulders from some in is command but there were a whole rack of mistruths and "whoopsies" running around that hindered me from getting any assistance. A bunch of gossip, i would've never thought grown adult decorated men would go off gossip in a situation as important as a military wives well being. I have a novel worth of emails between my husband and his command with me begging for support. He was never brought up for his evading responsibilities. He was transferred for whatever reason from recruiting duty out of Fredrick, MD to (who knows because they will not tell his legal wife)...I got word that he is a deploying unit to Afghanistan. No one seems to know where he is now, as he is on leave...the same source that told me his potential deployment unit, from CA to possibly Afghan also told me he was still living only miles from my new location that was undisclosed -- so i have no idea how i could have been located or even WHY.
I have tried everything. From having others contact him, me contacting him, contacting his command..he has fallen off their radar, though i am not believing that. They will not issue another military protective order and have even went out of the way to email me intially a huge (professional responding rant) --that would have put me in my (place) and to basically leave them alone...based solely off "misinformation" and/or lies from my husband.
As if how DARE i care about my life, how DARE i ask them any information regarding my husband although things were never communicated to me beforehand. How DARE i want to have the resources to buy food, clothing, shelter..how DARE you? You know what you should do? Go away. And if that means your husband making you go away by any means necessary then..nope..no protective order, Sgt. Mcdaniel Go ahead and do what you want. You have gotten away with so much so far, you're still a Sgt, no punishment anywhere..you are above the law in the eyes of this command/unit. I never understand why they just didn't email me and tell me to buy a target sheet and put it on my forehead. Because that is what them cancelling the protective order and allowing him to disable my mobility during this time and KNOW my every step means to me. A sitting duck..sit and wait for your headline story Mrs Mcdaniel. If you haven't gotten by now that we have better things to do like, eat lunch and clip our toe nails, then you're the dummy not us. Matter of factly, we're going to ignore the Chaplain, spread to him "misinformation" as if we were THERE while drawing our emotions/decisions off this misinformation, Mrs. Mcdaniel. This is how we operate...this is who we are, this is what we stand for. Oh and tell your attorney to go to hell...oh by the way, Mrs. Mcdaniel. Did you care to go to JAG? Well why not??? Oh because your husband secured two different attorneys at two different locations to bar you out and make it harder for you?
I'm going off topic now, its 3:29am and im trying to stay awake until the sun comes up. I feel safer that way..don't know why.
More later..
Also -- I will be setting up a support website called "MyOpenLetters.com" domain donation courtesy of some concerned supporters. On this website, I will have where everyone can share their experiences and state their cases. I will send this blog, along with photos that i am posting from this blog about my stint in the homeless shelter, and my current condition. I only have 36 rolls on this disposable camera so don't expect too many. I didn't proofread this as of yet, so i apologize for the many mis spelled words. Thank you for reading.
Please note that if anything happens to me, the one(s) responsible have already been listed in this message.
Media contacts: I am open to ANY interviews with any media outlet regarding my husband's condition and my treatment during entire situation. I will gladly provide any assistance on stories, interviews or even if you need help with women's right research or PTSD research.
I am also very open to assisting and/or joining any support groups or networks dealing with PTSD, Military wife support groups or battered women support groups. Please do not hesitate to email me: s.myopenletters@gmail.com
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